Into Darkness

This has been a hard pregnancy to manage through. The weight of every issue and dilemma that has surfaced throughout this pregnancy is really bearing down on me the last few days. Some moments I feel like I’ve got it. Others I feel like I’m on the verge of buckling under the pressure. More recently I can tell if I’m coming or going. I don’t sleep well at all. My body’s aches the morning after and I get random headaches. It’s been really hard just to struggle through the workday and keep all of my projects in order. It might just be an unending miracle that I’m able to keep track of every little task for all five projects. That’s over 60 stakeholders and 250+ tasks across my timelines. It’s making me dizzy just thinking about how I’m keeping the millions of dollars that are on the line from going belly up. But God…

I find myself being mentally in so many places at once that focusing on the present is a horrendous endeavor. Thinking about my lady’s health and the baby’s health, and our finances, a wedding date, buying a car for myself. Thinking about what more can I do because I’m working like a mad man to stay in good graces at work because I’m on a contract in the middle of a major transition and my boss already jumped ship. I’m doing my best to remain full of faith and thankful and lately my first thought or action attracts offended reactions. I pray and I find peace, then the next uppercut shows up and I’m dazed all over again. But God…

This is probably the realest and most honest post I’ve ever written because it is simply me exposing my uncertainty, my fears, my concerns and my failures on this road towards being a husband and a father. I’m lost on this road, and the only thing I’m sure about is not going backwards and not stopping. I’m tired and my head hurts tonight because I cannot stop thinking and planning, looking around this house wondering how its going to come together in time for Zoie to arrive. I look around this house I see so much of what my lady needs and wants to make this our home. I look around and I feel inadequate that so much is left to be done, but I know I’ve been doing my best. But God…

It’s a very uncomfortable space to be in and somedays I want a drink to drown my fears in, other days a long drive. Most days it to win a few thousand dollars so that my lady doesn’t have to stress or worry about the things that cloud my mind 24/7. Tonight, I couldn’t snap back to have talk about setting a date for our wedding. I couldn’t get my mind into submission to have what should have been a sweet discussion. I feel like I’m falling apart, watching small pieces of me break off as if I’m living the words “Every Spartan victory had Spartan casualties”. But God…

Tonight, its as if I’m lost and exhausted, stumbling, into darkness, in the woods holding my rifle close. Come morning I’m sure I will be feeling better and I’m praying that Memorial Day brings sweeter moments than tonight has. Come morning I need to be back on the hunt for what I know God can provide.

S.

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